Jokes.. Terrible..

[Muad_dib77]

Tommy Cooper jokes

1 . Two blondes walk into a
building..........you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If
you want to buy marijuana, press the hash
key...'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing
only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says,
'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers
the other day but I couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and
I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the
meat off the top shelf. He said,
'No, the steaks are too high.'

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A
strong currant pulled him in.

7 . A man came round in hospital after a
serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor,
doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've
cut your arms off'.

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and
pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were
chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it
sank, proving once and for all that you
can't have your kayak and heat it.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the
floor of his van covered with hundreds and
thousands. Police say that he topped
himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a
strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on
it.'

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green,
Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet.
'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you
can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at
him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his
eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he
says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've
got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom,
boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A
fsh.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this
bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's
your oyster, go for it.'

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world
are Chinese. There are 5 people in my
family, so it must be one of them. It's
either my mum or my Dad,
or my older Brother Colin, or my younger
Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the
other 'Your round.' The other one says 'So
are you, you fat bast**d!'

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one
was drinking battery acid, and the other was
eating fireworks. They charged one and let
the other one off.

21. 'You know, somebody actually
complimented me on my driving today. They
left a little note on the windscreen. It
said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said,
'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there
anymore'

23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred
early this morning when a small two-seater
Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish
search and rescue workers have recovered
1826 bodies so far and expect that number to
climb as digging continues into the night

[Marie]

A man checks into an hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture! He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.

'Hello,' the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is s3x. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line .'

"Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity."